things had just been so 360 that i didnt even have the chance to type what i feel… i just started to feel it… enjoy the moments… forget the hurts…

but one thing that has to be noted on this blog… he is happy now… with someone that i have already cursed (well in my mind or maybe out loud when i was alone) am i mad no am i hurt yes…

why hurt.. the nerve of declaring their love and rejecting our son was too much to bear… the smile that used to greet me brighten someone else life…

having goosebumps as i type this… i am happy already and i should be thankful for the one person who is making me a top1 priority… but that person knows my heart is still aching and still grieving not because you are happy and not with me but because you have no sense of responsibility that i can share to our son

i wanted to build up a father image that my son could look up to… but you just wont give me reasons…

him holding jollibee on that same day i fell in love with him..

now with our baby seems like i will be forever tied with him… forever is the word and though i want to get over him… it will be near impossible…

God is the only solution… no other … no man can make me forget him.. and i wont wont be using otehr poeple just to forget…
heart aches… hearts breaking… again and again and again…

baby adam… pray tayo kay papa jesus na wag ikaw masyado iyak… ha… sleep ka when mommy sleeps… i need to sleep well nand not sleep at work… mommy cant lose her job… i want to spend more time with you play with you and be with you but i need to save alot for your studies for your milk for your medicines…

i love you baby if i could just spend every mooment with you i would… but for now lets just pray that mommy can stay awake at the office okay.. happy 4th month my adam…

then i would answer:
::.: will that make you happy? – yes coz i know he will suffer and my son wont be unknown – but No since i know i dont want to hurt anyone especially him
::.: will that have a long term effect? – yes they would know that adam exist and their son is so irresponsible – yes it might make things worst and might widen the gap between his dad and him (something i never would want to happen)
::.: will that affect him the way you are affected now? – not even half of it
::.: are you going to get even this way? – no kasi kulang pa

bitterness is eating me alive and jay would add :
O____o: revenge is a dish best served cold.
O____o: what you want to do is not cold enough for your situation
O____o: youre just too desperate to get a hand of the guy
O____o: who keeps on pushing you over and running away

it make me more mad…. but hurt as well… i know when i see him i will be so furious… but i know i wont be able to do anything other than shed tears… i know i would want to punch him so badly… but i know i would want to embrace him from behind… i hate him already but i love him still… anybody reading this for sure would force me to go to a psychiatrist because i am so crazy already.. mixed emotions…

so how do i solve this? by being busy when i am at home… and by taking care of baby adam who is sick now haaay… and is 8 kilos and is over weight whahaha

thanks baby… for making mommy sane and happy…. without you i dont know where would i be….

I know
You don’t really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it won’t take long
Won’t take long

Chorus

Coz someday, someone’s gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday, someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see, i won’t even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can’t tell
I’m down,and I’m not do anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won’t have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Chorus

Coz someday, someone’s gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday, someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see, i won’t even miss you
Someday, someday

i am here in the office when i heard the news… i sobbed… wasnt able to work for the first 2 hours… maskara smudged… red eyes.. red nose… i wanted to run home… embrace baby adam… its as if cold wind covered my body…. almost 6 hrs already has passed and still in a trance… head aching… body cold… am i hating him? or am i hating myself?

im crying again… how can he do this… how can he just move on as if Josiah did not exist… i am not asking him to love me anymore… i know its impossible though my heart still prays for it.. i dont expect anymore… but he owes me a big deal of explanation… for the sake of Josiah… does he not feel his baby ? At times i pray that Josiah has a different dad… someone who will just recognize him… be happy hes existing… but no.. Adam seems to not care no matter how i defend him to others and to myself… pretending still that we will fix things… maturedly for our son…

my heart is dying… but i know i will fight… to be strong… for Josiah… for my little angel… and no matter how it hurts to look at my baby and see his image in him i will still hug him.. kiss him every hour that i can… because he is all i got…

Adam the truth is i love you still that is why it hurts… i thought… i believed that you had a reason… that you had respect if not solely for me but for me and your son… my life has changed 180 degrees turn.. most of it the hard way… i made the sacrifice i carried Josiah made sure he is healthy that he is alive gave up on alot of things and the chance of being loved again.. but you… you just went on with life as if nothing happened… you didnt even care to check if we were alive or not…

they said you dont deserve me and you dont deserve your son but still i hanged on to give us a chance.. i thought you were just waiting or building strength… i didn’t know you were just going on with life happy with someone else and not a care in the world…

am such a fool… to love you like this… I wish you were not Josiah’s dad… so that he wont feel ever that he has been neglected by his father… i will strive hard to bring him up full of love … and by the time that he asks for you i will never tell him how you rejected/neglected him i dont want him to feel this deadly pain i have now…

sana nagkapuso ka manlang para lang sa anak mo… hayup ka…

^$%^#^$@^%&%^$&^#$^#%&%^&^%&%^&$ ^ #$^#%$#$%@#$%@$%^&#%^&%^&%^&^#$&^#%^$&@$%$%^#%^%$&^&%^&#%^&%^&$^&$%^$%^%$^$%

i have like4 hrs of sleep in a day… not straight … back aching and muscles in pain… when i go to work i am normally sleepy… give myself 4 cups of coffee just to wake up… try hard to cope up … trying to grab cases and solve them as much as i can…

but damn still i am kulang… i dont want to cry now since i just had a meeting with my boss and she’s just beside me… crying will surely make her see me as weak… but damn.. i hate myself… i need to be better.. i cant afford to lose my job… i mean with all the failed stats i know my performance bonus will be so minimal.. and it would have used for Josiah’s milk… i mean i spend 3300 per month for milk… almost 1500 for diapers…. and 2500 for vaccination… i can i know i can provide for my son… i have cut down shopping even my taxi rides are limited.. i dont go out anymore with friends… and they wont even ask me out since they would say i wont have time to be with them.. which actually hurts because it would still feel nice to be asked once in a while… my sister and mom gave me partial money to buy tickets for CATS as my birthday gift… and because mom told me that its too expensive and i should have saved money for Josiah’s milk.. i am already discouraged to go…

now yaya has been out for 4 days and i have been on leave for 2 days…. on leave without rest and enough sleep because for some reason Josiah wont sleep wihtout being carried… the other day my back was so sore… it was because i fell asleep sitting down holding Josiahs’pacifier… and was carrying him often and carried the 25 gal water etc… my tears fell when i saw Josiah crying in a mild manner after i told him to PLEASE sleep because i am so sleepy and i had to go to work… Mom got Josiah and told me that its not Josiah’s fault that i am tired… its all part of the consequence i had to bear… for Josiah i will bear anything…. but just a piece of help would be appreciated..

now here i am sleepy again still worrying on to whom should i leave Josiah tomorrow just for 2 hrs… Tita Letty already volunteered but i dont want her to think i am weak and that i dont have enough resources for my son… i know she is sincere with her offer but… its too much to ask someone you are not related to… and besides… i just dont know… not sure on how Josiah would behave… im a little envy with jhen and ced… they have each other… while one is asleep one is awake then vice versa…

i started feeling mad again with Adam… i mean he should have been here with me… me and him taking care of our son… but i cant ask… i cant demand… i cant expect…. i hate it… why am i the only one suffering… I wish i can go home to look at my son so that all this pain will go away…

God please help me… im starting to be weak… my son needs me… he needs my job… i cannot rely on anything… but you … please… im almost on the edge…

on to my blog

everything was as expected… people were asking “so you are happy because everythings was as expected” HAHA i can give them this big smile and they would think i am happy… brb josiah’s crying ..

ok am back…

everything was as expected simply because
* alot of people forgot (well thanks to friendster who reminded people at 3am which was so obvious since i also recieved an email and after a few minutes the “mother’ sent out an email greeting me but only a few replied)
* those i love forgot to greet me at 12 midnight… okay im still into the 12 midnight tradisyon… can anyone blame me? thats me ….
* no cake … this was not that much expected but my cake came a day after my birthday… i might as well move my birthday to the 24th since i celebrated my debute of the 24th and 2 already there was nothing done on the 23rd but move on the 24th…. haaay
* no gifts.. aside from the flowers andrew sent (which was purple since it was as instructed by my sister and i already gave a hint that i was the only one he didnt have flowers delivered to) i appreciated it though it was as expected
* nothing from him… not even a text….

it was the only wish i had for my birthday… an answer… a closure maybe… just some thing that will push me to move on… people see me happy…. but the truth is the longing is there … longing for the truth…. for an answer…. for something i can tell myself over and over again… not the lies i have been telling myself that he is just afraid… i just need the truth… i want to be able to tell myself and one day my son the truth… well not the entire truth.. i never want my son to know he wasnt recognized nor that he wasnt damn its hard… i know that if adam feels that he is the father i know he will fight for his son… i know that but why hasnt he… i thought with josiah being chubby he wont look like Adam anymore… because Adam was skinny… but when i saw the latest picture of Adam he has the same cheeks as his son… haay not only do they have the same eyes nose and lips… now his cheeks waaaaa haaay

i dreamth of him last night… that we were okay… that he was in control… he was the man in the house in my dream last night.. there was a typhoon i think but he was there in my dreams making sure i was safe…

you see i know by heart he is responsible… i know he is not cold blooded… but what i dont know is why he is not here… i mean i know there is a big gap a big misunderstanding between me and him but is our son not enough reason to forget everything? or to just be civilized matured individuals and just talk about our son…

yes i did expect him not to do anything on my birthday… but i prayed he would… maybe just a text or even just a letter telling me STOP enough i dont love you i hate you …. that would be okay… but he still needs to answer why reject your son (who is so cute btw) truth is i still want to be with him to be able to love him and to be taken cared of by him… but i cant say that anymore… the words love for him will just be locked within me… and no one will know it… i can easily deny it… i can easily say i already hate him for hating me… but i do know those exact words will kill me… for i know i would be lying…

i know people have told me to move on… but here i am almost a year after… its almost august 5 2010… almost a year after we were together… almost a year of being in pain… almost a year on not being able to hold him and embrace him… and wispher to his ear i love you when he is asleep… okay STOPPPPPPP almost in tears again….

i just need an answer .. i need his love i know… but if he is not able to give it then i’d settle for answers… for me and for his son….

so 23 july.. everything was as expected… boring and ordinary